The raw, unfiltered entry from June 29, 2014

---

This is the final piece of my Y.W.A.M story—the blog post I wrote roughly 5-8 months after leaving the program. I’ve shared my processed reflections in previous posts, but this is the raw, unfiltered entry exactly as my 18-year-old self wrote it in 2014.

Reading it now, I can see the complete psychological destruction in these words—a young woman who had been systematically convinced that her greatest strengths were character flaws, that her resources were somehow wrong, that her family connections were spiritual failures. She apologizes to the very people who broke her spirit while documenting their abuses in the same breath.

But I also see something else: a girl whose spirit refused to be completely crushed, who still believed in her calling even when others told her she was unfit, who continued to plan mission trips and trust that God had a plan for her life.

Here are her words, exactly as she wrote them:

---

June 29, 2014

Hello, I am sorry for not writing in a while, it has definitely been a long time since I was last on my blog- and I am terribly sorry.

My last post I was in Y.W.A.M (Youth with a Mission) in a school called DTS. It’s a missionary school. I left high school to pursue my dreams of becoming and missionary- the dream hasn’t died but been put on hold-for good reason. My last blog I posted, I was about to go to West Virginia, then China to finish my YWAM training.

………….And that’s when everything fell apart.

First, let me start off by saying that in typing this I do not mean/want to give YWAM a bad name, I am simply explaining my side of what happened.

Second, I have always had a sassy little attitude, since I placed my feet on the ground. Sometimes it’s good, but most of the time it’s bad! Over the years I have tried to improve on it and am still needing LOTS of help these days!

This post has taken me forever to type, it’s been and on and off thing, a battle between if I should even say what I feel or what happened. What happened is embarrassing and shameful to me and my “missionary career”. But I feel I owe everyone who invested in me financially, emotionally, and spiritually- my version of what happened.

I started off going into the school thinking and ready to learn about The Bible and The Lord, but I wasn’t expecting what actually was ahead.

When you go into the school you have roommates, I wasn’t ready to be with 5 girls in bunk beds sharing one bathroom-and showers were HIGHLY encouraged to be shorten. (So being a girl with long thick hair, I struggled) I also lived close to home, about 20 minutes away.

The rules were never really made clear to me about when and if I could go home-So every weekend I went home and saw my family. Which turned into a problem later. Apparently YWAM wants you to be completely cut off from “the world” so that you can focus on God. But when applying and enrolling, I was never told about this-I found out halfway and even after I was done with the school.

There were some strict House Rules we had to obey, such as: NO SHOES ON THE CARPET-ONLY USE THE FRONT DOOR, IN THE BLUE HOUSE-WE HAD TO BE A BREAKFAST (at 7 am)

At first it felt like a really expensive Bible Camp, but I soon learned.

Going into the school my leaders that lived in the house with me, I had spoken with them briefly about sometimes I say things and it comes across very rudely, but in my heart I don’t mean it that way. I also spoke with them that my family including myself, are very sarcastic and have a dry since of humor.

From my first day there I could tell that most of the people were not bull headed like I am.

After a couple weeks I was pulled into a meeting with some of my leaders and was told my attitude was coming across in a rude way and it seemed like I just didn’t care. Which in my mind I did care–(but sometimes living with complete strangers and being around people 24/7 gets me a little on the short side-sometimes) — But I understood what they were saying and I tried to work on it. Then told that I might not be able to go on the Outreach Phase of my school, because of my attitude.

So I began to really work on it. I would often tell my class mates and leaders that I say something’s and I don’t recognize how it’s coming across …and to PLEASE point it out to me, so that I could fix it. But I was NEVER told about my attitude until days or weeks later when I was pulled into meetings, and by then I had forgotten about the situation.

You see in my mind I wasn’t being rude, or having an attitude, but it was coming across that way, so I needed to work on it.

Some weeks later I was told that I had improved greatly, and that I was in the clear for going ahead and finishing my school, or the Outreach Phase. This meant going to West Virginia and China.

………….So we broke for Christmas Break and were told that when we got back some things were going to change. I, at the time was having some medical issues and my head leader told that even though I had my car and lived 10 min from my doctor, I wasn’t allowed to go because it was considered The Outreach Phase, and most of the time when YWAM’ers are on Outreach, there out of the country. But my school was different, and was in Georgia for a week then going to West Virginia, and then back to Georgia then China.

So because of me living close to home and having my car I didn’t think it would be a big deal going to the doctor, right?

I was told I wasn’t allowed to go, but I needed to make it clear that I REALLY couldn’t miss my appointment. I really needed to get my medicine, which I needed to take for the next 2 months (while I was supposed to be in China). So the head leader finally agreed to let me go, but I would have to take some of my leaders with me.

(I was embarrassed to take my leaders to a personal doctor, it was just weird for me, having strangers you have only known for 2-3 months going to the personal doctor with you, and it was just strange to me)

After traveling through the snow and almost getting in a wreck from the ice, we finally made it to West Virginia….

After being there for a couple of minutes!-everyone’s attitudes got really bad. Even our leaders were being a bit snippy. But it seemed like I was the only one getting into trouble. Some of my class mates would get into yelling matches, but if I commented and said something sarcastic, I felt like I was in trouble. After being there a few shorts days I was yet again pulled in another meeting, this time there were telling me I might not be allowed to go onto China after WV-because “of my I don’t care attitude”… I was deeply saddened by this, the same problem I have been telling them about, there now turning it around and I’m getting into trouble for, and then telling me I can’t finish my school (that I had already paid for, this WAS NOT in the enrollment papers) (upon applying it never said after you have paid they can kick you out whenever they feel like it, it said you can leave, but not them kicking you out)…

So again I tried with everything I have to put on a smile and be a good girl, but I also felt trapped, and felt watched all the time, like I couldn’t be myself without getting into trouble or not being able to go to China.

Which happened…………… The 2nd to last day we were in West Virginia, I thought everything was going good, I hadn’t been talked to, or had any conflicted with my class mates. They then pulled me into a meeting, and told me I couldn’t go because they couldn’t trust me in China- (China is a closed country and if you talk about God they could kick you out of the country)

But that made no since to me. Why couldn’t you trust me? I have been traveling and doing missionary work, pretty much my whole life! I know how to keep my mouth shut in a close country-and wasn’t I getting into trouble for my “I don’t care” attitude? I was confused, but smiled and laughed it off. Inside I was deeply crushed!

I was and still am so hurt by this. This has never happened to me before. The “attitude problem” that I made very clear that I needed daily help on that I needed someone to point out and show me, no one EVER did. Now the same thing that I’m asking for help on, you’re telling me that I’m in trouble for???

My mind was so confused and my heart was deeply depressed. I didn’t know what to do, they never told me in enrollment that they could make you not go. I had already paid for everything. That means that everything I learned was a waste. That I would never have a diploma proving I went to YWAM. That I can never take classes with YWAM unless I pay another 4-5,000 to do another DTS- and even then I might have the same ending!?

I came back to Georgia, and the Head Master wanted to speak with me. She told me that it was for the best and if I went over there that the leaders couldn’t trust me, plus the students were going to be in harsh living conditions- freezing degree weather, anddd they were only allowed to bring what you could travel fast with (AKA, a back pack) -and they were staying there for a month! She also mentioned that my class mates were scared to say anything to me when I did have an attitude because I’m such a strong personality-But later upon speaking to my class mates there were strong in saying that, that wasn’t true, and if they had problem with me then they would tell me (which I knew they would)

My whole experience there, I felt like the black sheep, an outsider, I felt like I was always being watched like a P.K but worse. I felt like I could express myself freely and if I did it was off base with my close classmates and even then I wasn’t sure about how to express myself freely.

I felt like nothing I did was right and even if I did things right I was never recognized, but I knew God had placed me there. I wasn’t ready for what was in store in YWAM.

I LOVED the classes and the teachers. I would do that 1,000 times over, but I am very hesitant in going back to another DTS because I most likely couldn’t handle that again.

The classes were amazing, and I recommend everyone doing DTS classes. I learned SO much in the classes, I have 2-3 notebooks and 2 binders full of notes. I really appreciate the teachers- they were life changing, and life altering.

And maybe most of the way I was feeling was my fault. Maybe because I went home every weekend, or washed my clothes at my grandmother’s house, or had a car, and knew my way around the town. Maybe it was me who did this to myself. Maybe I felt like an outsider from the beginning, because I was to some level. Considering everyone on the base, teachers and students were not from Georgia.

I guess I will never know.

I feel like I have failed as a missionary, and also feel like I am in a limbo and don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. I know I am suppose be a missionary and help people and their hearts, but I don’t see an open door and even at that, how could I trust myself and my attitude to do anything-especially when I will have the reputation of a person “who doesn’t care”

So I’m back at home now, planning a Missionary trip to Jamaica in August, and working a 9-5 every day. I have greatly, since then improved on my attitude-inward and outwardly!

And hey, maybe it’s my fault, people in YWAM said I didn’t put forth enough effort and maybe this is my punishment for that-being in a “limbo state”.

It’s embarrassing about what happened and why I didn’t finish my missionary college, but all I want to do I help people. I’m not the perfect Christian or even person, but I try to strive to be like Jesus every day, and isn’t that what Christianity is about- trying to become more like Christ??

I have since the whole experience, really tried to work on my attitude and my outward appearance with emotions, the right ones. I never want to go through that again. I want to do right by people. I want to help people. I want people to trust me. I want people to be comfortable around me. I want what The Lord wants for my life.

So here is my story… I’m sorry I failed everyone who was counting on me to make it.

Thank you to those who have supported me finically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned a lot through this experience, the good and the bad. I needed that time to go through classes and learn things I never had learned before. I love you all very much

To My Class Mates, Leaders, Teachers, and Friends in YWAM:

I am deeply sorry for the pain and trouble I may have caused you. My attitude at times was not the best and I am embarrassed and ashamed. Please know and understand that I love you all deeply and I never ever meant for things to end the way they did. I wished I could have gone with you to China and graduated with you. The whole experience has forever changed parts, if not all of my life. I may even one day do another DTS-if The Lord wants it! Please forgive me if this letter/blog may offend you about what happened, this was not my intention. I have grown together with you and I will look forward to what The Lord had in store for you!

What’s up ahead: Jamaica Missionary Trip- and continuing to work on my relationship with The Lord every day.

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD.

His Therefore Yours,

Please Let Me Know What You Think!

---

A Word from 2025:

There are countless other stories from those months, both deeply negative experiences and genuinely positive moments, that I could share. I could describe every minute detail of that place, every conversation, every small victory and devastating blow. But I don’t have the time or energy to write it all out, and more importantly, I don’t need to. This entry captures the heart of what happened and how I processed it then.

That eighteen-year-old girl deserved so much better than the treatment she received, and she deserved so much better than the self-blame she heaped upon herself in the aftermath. But she also possessed something remarkable that no human institution could touch: an unshakeable belief that God still had a plan for her life, even when others told her she was unfit to serve Him.

This is my final blog post directly related to Y.W.A.M. Although I may speak on it again in the future, I’m not closing it forever, just not going to harp on it. I’ve cleaned out this corner of my story not with bitterness, but with the kind of closure that comes from finally understanding the difference between the humans who failed me and the God who never did.

I made this blog as my own personal corner of the internet, but I felt a real pull to clean up this space before creating something new. These stories needed to be told—not to tear down, but to build up others who might recognize themselves in that confused, hurting eighteen-year-old girl who thought she was the problem.

She wasn’t. And if you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in her words, neither are you.

Looking at this process now as a woman in my thirties, I can see what I couldn’t see then: that God was protecting something precious in me even when I couldn’t protect it myself. The very instincts they told me to ignore were the ones keeping me tethered to truth. My stubborn refusal to completely believe their version of me was actually divine preservation at work. What felt like failure was preparation for something better.

Here’s what I’ve learned: sometimes the most profound spiritual experiences happen not in the places that claim to be holy, but in the moments when you’re most honestly yourself. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—the one who brought Moses out of Egypt and delivered His people, the one who saved Ruth, the one who visited the woman at the well, the one who noticed when a desperate woman touched His garment in a crowd—that same God saw me even when I was smoking cigarettes behind missionary school buildings, trying to find ten minutes of peace in a system designed to break me.

He protected me. He saved me. He delivered me. Not because I was perfect, but because His love has nothing to do with human approval and everything to do with divine purpose. I am a living testimony to the truth that God’s plans cannot be derailed by people who confuse their preferences with His will. The same hands that parted the Red Sea held me together when everything else was falling apart.

What they couldn’t understand is that the God I serve doesn’t require permission slips for grace. He doesn’t need committee approval for calling. He doesn’t check with human leadership before extending love. He just shows up—in burning bushes, in still small voices, and yes, even in ten-minute cigarette breaks when an eighteen-year-old girl is trying to remember who she is underneath all the voices telling her who she should be.

I did find God in those seven years of solitude I mentioned earlier—not the version they tried to sell me, but the real one who had been waiting for me all along. I think this blog is heading in that direction now… I’m not quite sure what I’m sharing here except my raw, heavily debated thoughts as I continue to sort through what faith looks like when it’s truly free.

The end of this chapter, anyway.

---

Thank you for walking this journey with me. May you find the courage to trust your own instincts, honor your own worth, and remember that authentic faith builds you up—it never tears you down.