The Y.W.A.M Diaries: When Hope Became Survival

Blog posts from inside the system, 2013-2014

Picture, if you will, a young woman sitting at her laptop in the summer of 2013, her fingers dancing across keys with the kind of unbridled enthusiasm that only comes from believing you’re exactly where God wants you to be. She writes with exclamation points scattered like confetti, her sentences tumbling over each other in their eagerness to share every detail of what she’s convinced is the adventure of a lifetime.

This girl—this bright, confident, spiritually hungry eighteen-year-old—had no idea she was documenting her own psychological dismantling in real time.

These are her words, exactly as she wrote them during and after her time at a Y.W.A.M base in Loganville, Georgia. I’ve removed identifying information for privacy, but otherwise left every typo, every run-on sentence, every heartbreaking revelation exactly as my younger self penned them. They stand as a testament to something I couldn’t see then but can recognize now with the kind of clarity that comes only through distance and grace: the slow, methodical erosion of a spirit that refused to be completely broken.

Reading these entries today, I don’t see a girl losing her faith—I see a girl whose faith was so real, so deep, that it survived an attempt to weaponize it against her. I see someone who continued to believe in Jesus even when the people claiming to represent Him were systematically destroying her confidence in herself. I see the hand of God protecting something precious in her that no human institution could touch, even when they tried.

This is the story of how a girl went from “I’m loving it!” to complete self-destruction in less than a year. But it’s also the story of how, even in her darkest moments of self-blame, something inextinguishable flickered inside her—something that would eventually lead her all the way back home to authentic faith, genuine community, and the real Jesus who had been waiting for her all along.

July 29, 2013

The Girl Who Believed in Everything

Why hello everyone!

In 2 days, I will have been at missionary college for exactly 1 week!

Confused? Haven’t blogged since Jamaica… hehehe

Well here goes…. If anyone was following my blog from before/during Jamaica Mission Trip 2013, you probably would have figured out that God has called my heart towards His people (Jamaican people) but to sum-it-up, missionary work–life!

So, when He spoke to me and told me my “life plan” that He had for me I decided that I was going to have to “start” somewhere. So prayed to The Lord and told me exactly what he wanted. Y.W.A.M ( Youth With A Mission – missionary college)

That being said, I started working on the application for YWAM base in Tyler, Texas…… Things were just not working out! Needless to say I was getting really frustrated (because “I” couldn’t do it, on my own). So me and The Lord were riding my horse and talking … And talking .. And I was just pissed-

You see I am not dumb by any means. I am a smart girl, I could do anything I wanted to do. I could make millions of dollars– and I knew what Missionary Life was, it was/is HARD in every since! You have to have Faith, Trust, and a little Pixie Dust to make it, O and God 😉

So I was angry at the Creator of The World… “Why and how the heck am I gonna do this?!?!?!” confused gonna take a long walk off a short cliff

So you get my point.

side note, as I’m re-reading this after I typed it.. I am laughing at how mad I was at God and laughing because I am an idiot… Ok continue

Well I eventually got over myself and my mom had mentioned that there was a YWAM base in Loganville, GA, which happens to be 20 mins from my house. I had no idea and everything just seemed to fall into place! …I means obviously it was God but yeah… Anyway…

Needless to say.. I AM HERE! Missionary school. Jesus school, as my room mate calls it!

So it’s Friday and my first week is almost over—- and I’m loving it!

I have done 3 days of lecture so far and I have learned so much in those 3 days.

I have 2 room mates, 2 other girls in the next room, 2 girls leaders, and couple of others leaders!

We have work duty, which is where all the students work around the base to help keep it up and tuition cost down side note, which I think is amazing ok anyway… What was I saying… O yeah, it’s just freaking awesome how God made everything fall into place, even when I was pissed at him – Which I did say sorry for.

Well any questions, comments, or love offering?!??? As my mother says.

Alright, I am requesting snail mail for anyone who would like to write me. (Address below)

Also I’m still sending out Finical Support letters, because after all I am in missions and I need monthly supporters! If The Lord places in your heart to donate, I can send you a letter that will explain further!

Also please pray for me daily… Prayers are just as important to me then $1.00 !

Thanks Guys, feel free to check out some of my other entrees and let me know what you think. Email me at any time!

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

*O and I misspelled words or my punctuation is not correct.. Forgive me. I will try my best to correct everything, but that was never my strongest subject in school! 😉

Ok love Ya’ll!

Bye

Looking back, I can almost hear the music swelling in this entry—the kind of triumphant orchestral piece that plays when the heroine finally discovers her destiny. She’s practically glowing through the screen, this girl who had conversations with God while riding her horse, who felt confident enough to be angry with the Creator of the Universe and then laugh about it later. Notice her casual mention of being smart enough to “make millions of dollars”—this wasn’t insecurity talking, this was someone who knew her worth.

She’s already apologizing for typos, which seems innocent enough until you understand what’s coming. That instinct to apologize for perceived imperfections would soon be weaponized against her until she was apologizing for the very qualities that made her strong.

But look at her joy! The exclamation points scattered like stars across the page, the breathless enthusiasm, the complete trust that everything falling into place meant God’s approval. This girl had never encountered spiritual manipulation disguised as discipleship. She had no reason to doubt that people who claimed to love Jesus would actually act like Him.

She was writing from a world where faith meant freedom, where questions were welcome, where being “bull-headed” was just a personality quirk to work with rather than a character flaw to eliminate. She had no idea she was about to enter a system designed to make her forget she had ever been this confident, this secure, this fundamentally unashamed of taking up space in the world.

October 21, 2013

When God Was Still Louder Than the Voices

Alrightyyy… GLORRYY !!! That is all I can say about this week and this weeks classes!

Should I start from the beginning? Yeah, ok ….

Well as scheduled we got our new teacher (we have a new teacher every week, because every week we learn something new-new subject)- so we got a new teacher, and this weeks topic was on the Holy Spirit.. ’nuff said!

Just kidding I will explain a little further.

So our teachers name this week was/is Mike, a Italian from New York who has an incredible testimony and is a “Holy Ghost filled” pastor and missionary-and yes, he talks with his hands and says “kapeeshe”. So, Mike was teaching for the first couple of days about basic H.S stuff and I kind of already knew what they were talking only because of growing up with a church and a mother being filled with the Holy Ghost. But the last two days a lot of things were new, and if they weren’t new then they were like “light-bulb” moments for me. So I pretty much was impressed that I learned something new….

Remember last week when I was talking about a Miss. Know-It-All? Yeah well she was definitely back this week during class….gosh I am so bad, I need to get over myself… like side note, I don’t know everything, so why do I think when certain topics come up that I just know everything… I’m so lame!

Well now that I just went on a rant about myself, back to what I was saying. J

So at the end of the week I knew that Mike was probably going to do some sort of prayer for the Holy Spirit to bless our lives or to receive the Baptism of the Holy Spirit.

And the Miss. Know It All was right but was totally wrong about what God in store for me on Friday, again!

On October 18, 2013 at about 9:00 am God had a plan for me… and I didn’t even know it until I was in the middle of it- Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans that I have for you, say The Lord” and boy did He ever. He freaked rocked my world last Friday.

So the morning (Friday) started off and Mike was touching up on some bases, from what we had learned earlier that week. Then Mike explained to us exactly was going to happen- well I mean as far as what he was going to do, understand? Ok. Mike was going to pray and invite the Holy Spirit down to come and fill the room with His presence and also if we were willing to receive that baptism of the Holy Spirit, and if we were not open to receive it, then Mike would just pray, for the H.S to bless us and our lives for where ever we decide to go after DTS (Y.W.A.M).

So they started off praying, and some worship music and everyone just singing and so I took the time to really get-in my pray time and really not worry about what everyone else was doing, and immediately I just felt the Holy Spirit…and like always when the H.S comes down and I can feel him in the room I start to cry, and I did! But it was a different kind of cry it was most definitely a true-jesus-touching-my-heart-kinda-touch…… if that makes any since. I knew that The Lord was going to tell me something that day touch me or something-and He did.

As Mike started to move from person to person, with a group of leaders praying for individuals I was slowing slipping into my own little world with The Lord. The music was getting softer and then the people praying were getting louder and I couldn’t even hear my own voice and my own thoughts. I put my fingers to my ears and closed them and I told the Lord “God I cant hear you, tell me that you are here”!

SIDE NOTE- I have always struggled with hearing The Lords voice and also struggled with trying to be “good enough” for God… back to where I was!

So I just closed my ears and spoke that small simple sentence to God. I waited and was just praying about praying about small things nothing much and a few minutes later, a leader came up and put her hand on my shoulder and said “this is was The Lord is saying: I love you because I love you, and you don’t have to worry about being good enough, or strong enough or perfect enough, because I love you, and I love you because I love you” and by this point I was crying to hard to really hear anything else-but that is what I really needed to hear at that moment and at this moment in my life! So the leader left and I continued to pray and etc. A few minutes later, I really don’t remember how long it was, I was wrapped up in my little world at that time.

So then Mike and a few leaders came up to me and started praying, blah blah blah… just a basic “I hope God blesses you life and blah blah blah…” So after Mike was praying the other two people who were with him started to pray and they just told me some reassuring things. So after they got done a leader that was with the group stayed for a second with me, what she got from The Lord about me, and for me. She said that Isaiah 51 which says “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed. I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.”

And that it was for me. That verse in itself answered a lot of my questions to The Lord. And that even before I came to the base and started with Y.W.A.M and that all the leaders were praying for me and The Lord gave her picture for me…and without going into serious detail it was most definitely a “God send”!

Over all I really enjoyed it, I heard the Lord voice in so many ways. I was a little scared and nervous Thursday night because I didn’t know what to expect, well number one I really don’t like people laying hands on me and for that matter just touching me… LOLJ! But even though I was nervous and a little scared, I really felt and heard The Lord.

My journey so far hasn’t been easy. The roads I take sometime aren’t the best roads to take. I make things harder for my self, but I know over all that the Lord has a plan for my life and for my journey here at the DTS school and at Y.W.A.M!

As always: God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

I would really love to hear from you, please email me you thoughts, questions or words you would like to share with me.

Also, Please pray about making a tax deductible donation to me, while I am at missionary college. I have about 3500$ to go before I can go on the “Outreach Phase” of the missionary school. Please Please Please pray about it, as you may know that missionaries don’t receive a pay check and I am a full time college student so I can not get a job. I have to trust in The Lord to provide my needs, and this is one way that you can help! Thank You.

If you so choose to, please send a check through the mail-address below. If you have any more questions feel free to email me anytime, or write me a letter!

His Therefore Yours,

This entry reads like a love letter between a girl and her God, and it absolutely breaks my heart—not because it’s tragic, but because it’s so beautiful. Even as the psychological manipulation was beginning to take root (notice how she’s already calling herself a “Miss Know-It-All” and “lame”), her connection to the divine remained pure and powerful. The Holy Spirit experience she describes wasn’t manufactured or forced—it was real, profound, and exactly what her heart needed to hear in that moment.

Looking back now, I can see God’s protective hand all over this encounter. The message she received—”I love you because I love you, and you don’t have to worry about being good enough”—would become the very truth she’d need to remember when everyone around her was telling her she wasn’t good enough for anything.

And that scripture! Isaiah 61 (though she wrote Isaiah 51—even her small errors feel precious now). “Beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” It’s almost prophetic, as if God was preparing her for the ashes that would come, promising her that beauty would eventually emerge from them.

The girl writing these words still believed that her spiritual experiences belonged to her, that God spoke directly to her heart, that her relationship with Him didn’t require constant external validation. She was months away from losing that confidence, but in this moment, she was still writing as someone who knew beyond doubt that she was loved by the Creator of the universe.

Even her casual mention of not liking to be touched feels significant now—her body was already trying to tell her something her mind hadn’t yet processed. But in this experience, even that boundary was respected and honored by a God who understood her better than the people claiming to represent Him ever would.

This is what authentic spiritual encounter looks like: personal, affirming, honoring of individual differences, and focused on God’s love rather than human compliance. Reading it now, I can see that Jesus was already preparing her for the journey ahead, planting seeds of truth that would eventually grow into the garden of her restoration.

Where the Light Begins to Dim

These two entries capture the bookends of hope and spiritual encounter before everything began to unravel. What happened over the next few months tells its own story through what wasn’t written as much as what was.

The program was supposed to be six months total—the first three months were classroom learning Monday through Friday, with different teachers coming from Y.W.A.M bases across the country each week. These teachers were much older than me, and I genuinely respected them and loved the knowledge portion. After Christmas break, the last three months were supposed to be international outreach, but our school was very small, and they really didn’t know what to do with us when we returned.

Initially, I had tried to write every week, documenting my journey for the supporters and family who were following along. But after those first two months of regular posts, something shifted—and I know exactly when it happened.

I was smoking cigarettes at the time. I was legally allowed to do so, but I never smoked on property and always cleaned up after myself. To me, smoking wasn’t just a habit—it was something sacred. Those ten minutes every night were the only time I could breathe and get away by myself. It took me two months before I told a few roommates about it, and within a week or two, the staff found out.

I think this is where they really started to see me as the outcast, the black sheep. Looking back, I’ll admit it probably wasn’t the best thing for me to be doing at the time. But it also wasn’t in the rules not to do it. I think they just assumed that a Christian missionary wouldn’t be smoking cigarettes. When they confronted me about it, they couldn’t really point to anything in the Bible that explicitly forbade it. They gave me the standard Christian verses about not harming your body, but at the time I was stubborn and doubled down: I don’t do it here, I have my own car, my own money, I don’t smoke on property, I don’t smell, and no one had ever noticed until I told someone.

But the damage was done. From that moment, I could feel the shift in how they saw me. The girl who had been enthusiastic but maybe a little different suddenly became the problem they needed to solve.

I stopped writing about what was really going on because I was trying to survive. The weekly entries became monthly ones, then stopped altogether. The enthusiastic documentation of my spiritual growth became repetitive, carefully worded updates that revealed less and less of what was actually happening.

The girl who had filled pages with exclamation points and “GLORRYY” began to write as someone walking on eggshells, even in her own blog. The meetings where she was told her personality was problematic, the moments when her gifts were reframed as character flaws—these experiences created a kind of paralysis that showed up not in what she wrote, but in how rarely she wrote it.

Eventually, I stopped writing altogether. The silence stretched for months until, after being kicked out of the program, I felt compelled to write one final entry explaining to anyone who had followed my journey what had happened and why my missionary adventure had come to such an abrupt end.

But what these entries show us is that the light that would eventually guide her home was already burning bright inside her from the beginning. The confidence, the joy, the unshakeable sense of being loved by God—it was all there, solid and real, before anyone tried to convince her otherwise.

They tried to make her forget this version of herself, but they couldn’t destroy her completely. Somewhere in the deepest part of her spirit, the girl who wrote “God is good all the time, and all the time God is good” was still alive, still believing, still writing her own story in invisible ink that would only become visible years later when the fire of truth finally revealed what had always been true.

She would lose her way for a while. She would blame herself for their failures. She would spend years in the wilderness trying to find her way back to faith that felt real instead of performed.

But the girl in these pages? She was always there, waiting. And when the time was right, she would remind the broken woman she became that she had once been unashamed to take up space in God’s world, unafraid to be angry with Him when things didn’t make sense, unashamed to believe that He had a beautiful plan for her life.

The real tragedy isn’t that she lost her faith—it’s that people who claimed to love Jesus made her think she had to choose between her authentic self and her calling to serve Him. But the real miracle is that eventually, she discovered she never had to make that choice at all.

The Jesus who loved the girl writing these entries was the same Jesus who loved the woman who would emerge from the ashes, and He had been waiting patiently for her to remember that the problem had never been her heart—it had always been the systems that tried to cage it.

These entries stand as testimony that the light in us cannot be extinguished by human institutions, no matter how hard they try. The girl who believed in everything eventually learned to believe in the right things—starting with herself, and ending with a God who had never stopped believing in her.